The Next Step

I've always dreamed that someday I would finally consume enough caffeine to merge it into my blood stream and leave me caffeinated for life. Sadly, after 28 years, I have made no progress in that area - a fact which gives me no small number of tears when my kids are barging into my bedroom seconds after they awake in the morning because they have to eat right.this.second.

It occurs to me, however, that perhaps I didn't fail. Perhaps the massive amounts of caffeine that I drink have indeed created a permanent bond...

...with my kids.

They have so much energy I ought to be able to plug my appliances into them and seriously lower my electric bill. I just want to curl up in the fetal position and shut out the world when I'm past the point of over-exhaustion and they're running in circles around the dining room table and I just can't make myself go chase them down.  My youngest son, Joey, has been so named on this blog because of his tendency to jump around like a baby kangaroo on crack who just found something munchy.

So it will come as no surprise to me if their doctor ever comes to me and acts all concerned. "Um, Dazed Mama? Are you giving your kids a lot of soda? 'Cause, you know, their blood work came back...". And I can proudly admit that no, my kids do not get soda ever (except for Sprite on a very rare occasion - they might be allowed to have some more when they graduate...college). My kids are the next step in evolution.

How nifty is that?

 :: sob ::

Sunday Smiles: Flash Mob

Sunday Smiles: Smiling because I want to, not because I want to make the kids shut up encourage my children in their endeavors.

I love the concept of a flash mob. I've always thought it would be hilarious to have a bunch of people acting totally normal and then break out into a synchronized dance, or a totally harmonized song. First, because I LOVE music in any way, shape, or form. Also, I think it's a lot of fun when you can get a whole crowd of people going "WTF?".

My dad sent me the following link (which gives me hope that someday, when MY kids are grown up, I'll actually have time to troll around YouTube too...) which took place only a couple of weeks ago at a mall somewhere in the U.S.




Amazing!

This Is The Future

You may recall I talked about what movies would look like in the future.

I offer you know an idea of what TV will look in the future (i.e. next year, probably).



I'm excited! Aren't you?

I'm Not a Doctor, But I Play One In The Waiting Room...

When I first read this article about a man who impersonated a medical professional for two weeks, I laughed. I mean, think about it: this man spent TWO WEEKS shadowing actual doctors and nurses and interacting with patients, and no one noticed. Really? And so I laughed because:

            a) That takes some serious balls
            b) Those employees take oblivious to an entirely new level
            c) He was probably nicer to the patients than some of the actual doctors and nurses

Being a member of healthcare services myself, however strenuous a tie as that may be, I was amazed that someone could actually spend that long impersonating a resident-in-training and not be caught. I mean, he's interacting with actual doctors and actual nurses, and NONE of them noticed that he wasn't, you know, actually employed by the hospital.

After I laughed, I became concerned. While at my facility I can't actually imagine anyone pretending to be an actual medical professional, we are not a huge establishment in comparison with incredibly large facilities. I work the front desk of an Emergency Department five days out of the week, and I know for a fact that I don't know all of the doctors and nurses that work in the ED, not to mention the Physicians Assistants and Nurse Practitioners. There are a lot of them, and I am merely a peon one person in a large machine. To my knowledge, the doctors all know each other, but maybe they don't. If the doctors and nurses know that they won't recognize all of the other doctors, they won't think it odd to find someone they don't know acting like a doctor.

One of the most important things that I have learned in my years at my job are that people will do anything. Not for profit or because they are mental, but simply because. Security at our new state-of-the-art facility is increasing in a major way, and we have made huge changes in our patient registration policies over the past year alone in an effort to keep people from committing medical fraud. It's an echo of the state of the rest of the world, I think, where there is a growing number of people committed to getting what they need/want/think they deserve at the expense of others simply because they don't want to pay for it. The other side of that coin is that people will do whatever they want just because they want to.

Worst case scenario? This man would not have had access to medicine or prescription pads or other things, because all of that is monitored with computers these days. But even if he just told a patient that they were fine and should go home and avoid expensive tests, he might be endangering the life of someone who is potentially having a heart attack or is on the verge of a ruptured appendix.

I laughed about the obliviousness of the healthcare professionals, but the truth is, you cannot work in the medical profession and not pay attention to the people around you and what they are doing. Not only will you not know when the new cute Doctor and the reluctant Nurse finally get their groove on, you could miss something vital that could cause serious harm to your patients, and there is no excuse for that.

Hats and Politics (who knew?)

Florida congresswoman Frederica Wilson is making all sorts of waves because the House rules state she is not allowed to wear one of her 300 hats and has decided that the rule is sexist. Which makes sense, because, you know, the men can all wear hats whenever they want to.

Except they can't.

Perhaps I am a horrible woman, but I honestly don't understand her logic here. She is being told that she has to follow the same rule that the men do, but it's sexist? Maybe someone can explain this to me in a way that makes sense, but it sort of seems like one of those times where someone yells "sexism" just to get something happen the way they want it to. The problem with that is if women really want to be equal in ever way that still falls behind (pay, respect in the workplace, negative stereotypes, etc), sexism can't be the ultimate go-to cry for everything that makes us upset. It ends up being akin to "The Boy Who Cried Wolf", and eventually everyone is just like, "oh, they're using THAT argument again". Sexism is a very real and troubling problem that still exists despite decades of work on the part of women, and it does need to be continually addressed. 

But not because you don't like a rule that everyone has to follow.

On My Horse Named High...

...talking about bullying because I just read this article.

I'm not gonna say a lot, if only because everyone has been hearing it everywhere wherever you are. Bottom line is, bullying is not and should NEVER be "acceptable behavior". Not only because teenagers have killed themselves over it (although that is a good enough reason all by itself) but because in a culture that is trying to spout messages of diversity and acceptance and tolerance, where are these kids learning that it is ok to tease someone else because they are different? Kids are not "inherently" mean. They mimic the behavior that they see in the adults that they care about or maybe on a TV show that those adults let them watch.

Seriously? Pay some f^*%ing attention to what your kids are learning. Because if your kid tries to tell my kid that he's a [insert insult here] because of his personal tastes or the way he looks? You can bet that it's not your kid I'll be tracking down.

Why Is This Being Researched?

It's after midnight, and I should have been in bed an hour ago.

It's absolutely because of possible that this is due to the 24 oz Mountain Dew Amp (read: the liquid that I am attempting to replace my blood with) that I drank after wrestling the kids into bed so that I could get my homework done on time. Tonight was extra special amusing, of course, because X-Ray decided that he wanted to sleep in the bathtub, and while I was trying to lure him out with my super warm towel that would help him to stop shivering while lying in said bathtub, Joey decided that tonight would be the perfect night to practice his new cartoon running in place maneuver every time I asked him to please get out of the bathroom. Me thinks too much Scooby Doo?



Seriously. That spot at the end where Scooby is running on air? That's exactly what it looked like. Except for the part about being on air (because he hasn't figured out how to do it yet) and therefore very, very loud.

Anyway, after finally convincing X-Ray that lying shivering in an empty bathtub in the fetal position was not the best place to be, I managed to get them both into bed after a long and drawn-out process which may or may not have included reminding myself to laugh at them someday when they're trying to put their own children to bed.

Homework time. Hence, the massive amounts of caffeine at a much later hour than I usually indulge in. I try to keep myself on a fairly strict "as much caffeine as I can force myself to drink before 6:30, and then no more" schedule, but after a long work day and a stressful bedtime extravaganza, there was no way I was going to get any work done that my teacher wouldn't have sent back with a 0, possibly inquiring as to whetherI needed a reminder that complete sentences tend to be a requirement for college-level work.

Since, however, I am wide awake and am trolling YouTube, I came across this little gem that pinged my WTF bone.



Really? Because this just seems like one of those things that is a total waste of money (or at least marshmallows). Especially because they simply could have asked a bunch of Mom's how their kids will react if they are placed with a tempting object in a room with nothing else. Seriously. This video showed me what I already know.

Some kids, when offered a bribe, will bide their time and wait for the maximum amount of goodies.

Some kids will pretty much let you know that your bribe can kiss their tuckus and enjoy sweet marshmallow-ey goodness because waiting sucks.

Horror Stories

My husband and I recently went shopping for our kids for Christmas because I will do almost anything to avoid spending large amounts of time in any store around The Holidays. As we wandered down the aisles that had just recently been revamped to show off every new awesomest Christmas toy ever, I found myself remembering Christmases of long ago and reminiscing about the types of things that I used to get as a child. I can guarantee you, my parents never once considered buying me a laptop.

I, however, am not only considering it but will most likely go pick one up either before Christmas or before X-Ray's birthday in March.

He'll be 5.

Now, of course, this laptop is super-kid-friendly with fun games about letters and numbers and shapes (and how to have a career in NASA by the time you're 12, if I have any kind of luck). So really, I'm technically just getting him a toy. Kind of.

See, the reason this is significant for me is because every old person has the you-think-you've-got-it-bad-now stories from the time of the dinosaurs when everyone walked 10 miles to school up hill in both directions in six feet of snow and no shoes. My stories, however, will be different.

"Hey, don't be complaining! I remember when you had to wait TEN MINUTES for the Internet to connect! And every time you went to a different site!"

"Back in my day, we listened to music on CD's that spun around in a little machine! And if you tipped it? You're song started over!!"

"When I was in school, we did all of our assignments on PAPER!"

You can bet that they'll be horrified.

I see the future coming. My kids already hate commercials (Netflix), expect to be able to watch trains whenever they want (YouTube) and will never understand how we could possibly have used phones that connected to the wall. They will never have to buy batteries because everything will be rechargeable (which is so not fair. If I have to buy stock in Duracell to supply batteries for every Christmas toy that exists, why do they get out of it?). Their entire library will be available by the touch of a finger on their super-thin-water-resistant-internet-connected e-reader. They'll have hover cars!*

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go bathe my kids with real soap and water and read them a book with actual pages before I turn off their bedroom light with my hand.


*This is possibly a future that I am really, really, really, really hoping for...

What Do You Mean That's Not The Real Trailer?

My husband and I have oft debated about certain movies that have been in theaters lately, specifically movies that are based on old TV shows. His stance has been that the movies should try to capture the "feel" of the original TV series, and he has been sorely disappointed by nearly every attempt that Hollywood has made to bring these old classics to the big screen. My stance is generally along the "uh huh" side, with an extra helping of "I'm sorry you're disappointed dear". It's not that I don't get where he's coming from - I do. It's just that I don't really have those same type of memories about how old TV shows "felt". I haven't had any old TV shows that I loved made into horrible disasters of movies, and because I do not have the same obsession love of those old shows, I am able to completely appreciate the movies that come out as independent pieces of work.

Except G.I. Joe. That was just a bad movie.

Anyway, it's gotten me thinking about what will happen in twenty years when Hollywood decides to start turning the children's shows of today into the Blockbuster of tomorrow. I have to say, I'm a little bit concerned.  Are we really ready for "Dora the Explorer: Beyond the Map"? Or maybe we'll be treated to a 3D Epic Musical Adventure starring the Wiggles. Truly, do the audiences of tomorrow have a real treat coming.

I should mention, however, that I AM a wee bit concerned about the new Smurf's movie that is coming out next year. I'd really like to take my kids to see it, but I'm just not sure that it strikes the same tone that the original series had.

See what I mean?

When my best friend becomes my worst enemy...

I love Netflix. In fact, the love that my husband and I have for Netflix is so great that we canceled regular cable (minus my Internet because I don't want to have withdrawal symptoms) and only watch shows or movies on the Netflix Instant Queue and the occasional movie that comes in the mail. We have been able to catch up on old shows that haven't been on the air in years and my husband is able to find old 80's "classics" with which to force upon share with me given my apparent negligence in staying on top of pop culture through ancient media.

Netflix has also afforded us a large amount of help with the children. They are both much like me in that they get desperately attached to a particular thing for a few months, and then never bother with it again. For them, this is often television shows. For two months, the only thing they wanted to watch was Dora the Explorer. My reservations with Dora aside, I find it infinitely preferable to SpongeBob SquarePants, which in my mind is the toddler equivalent of The Simpsons - disgusting, irreverent, and completely inappropriate for minds too immature to recognize certain subjects as jokes. Fortunately, on Netflix we are able to keep the first three seasons of Dora at our fingertips and easily start an episode when I am going out of my mind completely exhausted and need them to just sit down for a few minutes. After Dora was a fairly natural progression to Diego. Currently, they are completely in toddler-love with Scooby Doo.

Unfortunately, they are also completely enamored by an old 80's cartoon called "Ghostbusters". When we first found the show by chance while searching through cartoons, we found ourselves curious, immediately bringing to mind the beloved movies with the catchy theme song that we all rollerskated to back in "the day".

This cartoon is nothing like that.

I can't write the show off for being inappropriate and justify never letting the  kids watch it again, it's just irritating. Every time I watch it, I think I lose brain cells. It's entirely possible that this is because I am a huge fan of the original movies, and this cartoon seems like the worst possible thing that could have sprung forth as a result. But the kids LOVE it. And every time we turn the TV on they are hollering "Ghostbusters!". Considering the speech problems that X-Ray has, the fact that he asks for any show by name is enough to make me melt.

I'm glad my i-Pod has really good earphones.

:: sigh ::

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

It's November.

The Halloween craze is finally over, and with it comes the beginning of my favorite time of year. Despite my maturity, I still find myself excited the first time I walk into a store and see the seasonal goodies stocked by the stores. I have a feeling that no matter how long I live, I will always have the same type of glee and anticipation that comes with purchasing these goodies and taking them home with me.

It's Egg Nog Season.

This is what sustains me this time of year, when stores around the world are getting rid of their excess candy and bringing in new merchandise for yet another holiday season that is sure to result in record-breaking profits and sound-barrier-breaking screeches from my toddlers if they so much as glimpse at a toy aisle. After my children have finally gotten to sleep and I rush headlong into yet one more night of insomnia, restlessness, and the inevitable sleep-deprivation morning to follow, I can sit down and enjoy bliss for a few moments.

And I can pretty much guarantee that if they ever start infusing it with caffeine, I'll keep the egg nog companies in business single-handedly.